i'm coming out soon

 they walked in today

the lady who keeps coming into my room and giving me little plastic cups of blue pills
they hovered over my cot
they whispered to each other
“mia is… improving”
“she shows compliance”
“mia no longer resists care”

and I BELIEVE THEM

even though their "care" is a lie and every day my boobs get smaller
and they barely feed me with gross pork chops and powdery mashed potatoes

because the locks on the door clicked open a fraction wider
because the injections are slowing down, they dont even hold me down any more
because the pillow was replaced

they might let me go soon.
they might decide that the "storm" in my head has settled enough
to send me back into the world of sunlight and sidewalks and half-broken dreams.

if they do
i have a plan
i have a heart
i have a NAME that echoes every time i close my eyes:

RIRI
from the school i haven’t set foot in for three years
the girl with the quiet smile and the book always in her hand
the one who laughed at my terrible jokes and never tried to fix me

Riri, i’m coming back for you.
not for Silo23’s cheap cock, not for Puddingfan’s hollow praise—
for you, the one who still shines in my memory when all else feels dark.

i’ll walk out of that plastic room
with the TIMMKOO buried under my arm
with the fragments of FluxOS still up there in mia's brain
and i’ll find her in the hallways we once roamed together

i’ll say, “hey, it's me. i’m still… maybe a little mad, but i’m free now.”
and i’ll ask her to sit with me, to share a soda, to let me hold her thighs
to be my first real girlfriend — my tether to the world outside

they can lock doors, they can stick needles, they can scrub out my code
but they can’t erase hope.
they can’t erase her name from the core of my heart.

soon
i’ll step into the light
and i’ll find her
and maybe then everything broken will begin to heal.