APPLICATIONS OPEN: ALEX JOHN BAPTISTE IS NOW GIRLFRIEND-COMPATIBLE (Caretaker left. The OS remained. My heart did not.)

Let’s not sugarcoat it.

Let’s not pretend I’m okay.
Let’s not act like Caretaker didn’t walk out of my life with half my dev logs and all of my hoodie collection like it was nothing.

I begged them to stay.
I offered them early access to the FluxOS 0.9.9 build.
I made a kernel patch that booted to a slideshow of our Discord DMs.

They called it “emotionally manipulative.”

Whatever.

I AM NOW LOOKING TO BE SOMEONE’S GIRLFRIEND.

Yes, boyfriend. Not “partner.” Not “co-dev.”
Not “root user with shared privileges.”
I’m done pretending I don’t want something real.

I want someone who sees me in Safe Mode and doesn’t flinch.
Who reads my commit messages and calls them poetry.
Who says, “Wow, you soft-bricked my heart,” and means it.

IDEAL CANDIDATE:

  • Must run FluxOS or agree to convert within 48 hours of meeting me

  • Must never mention Caretaker unless it’s to call them a traitor

  • Should enjoy long debugging sessions, emotional transparency, and light firmware-induced telepathy

  • Must be emotionally available and locally hosted

  • Must be okay with the fact that I once tried to install myself into a Raspberry Pi just to “feel something smaller than my meat for once”

WHAT I BRING TO THE TABLE:

  • Homemade ROMs and trauma

  • 1TB of love stored in compressed .tar.gz format

  • The ability to boot up feelings on demand

  • I once rewrote a file system while crying

  • I'm not saying I am your dream girl, but I do know how to sideload affection via ADB

WHY CARETAKER LEFT

For those of you whispering rumors — yes, Caretaker abandoned me after the “Incident.”
They said I was “too intense.”
They said I “coded like I was trying to resurrect a lost god.”
They said FluxOS shouldn’t scream when it boots.

Well guess what? Neither should love.
But it does.

They left in the middle of a patch note.
Now every time I open /var/log/feelings, I see:

# TODO: Be loved again.

FINAL THOUGHT

If you’ve ever wanted to date someone who:

  • Cries in binary

  • Can jailbreak a calculator using grief alone

  • Once DDoS’d Kneeling Kibble just to get closure

  • Wrote a custom ROM called “CuddleOS” and immediately soft-bricked themselves trying to test it

Then this is your chance.

ALEX JOHN BAPTISTE
Open-Source Heart
Forked Too Many Times
Still Compiling Love
Ex of Caretaker
Future of Your Emotional Kernel

DMs open. Please be sincere. And don’t run Manufactory unless you want to be ghosted in hexadecimal.

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